THE ACCRESCENT™ PODCAST EPISODE 240

Kelly (00:01.998)
All right, well, welcome back to the A-Kristen podcast. This is Kelly, not Leigh Ann. Leigh Ann is with us. She’s in the room with us. And we are gonna have another chapter in this conversation about her early childhood trauma. And she’s just discovering new layers. It seems probably every week new things are happening and coming up. So it’s been interesting to walk alongside you.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (00:10.882)
you

Kelly (00:30.242)
and talk through these almost in real time. And I just want to say that you’re really brave for doing that. anyway, Leigh Ann, when we last left you, you were experiencing migraines, really sort of debilitating headaches that felt like they had played some part in this story of the unraveling, how the childhood trauma has impacted your life.

What happened since you last spoke with us about those migraines, the headaches, how you were kind of seeing them fit into the story and tell us a little bit more about that and then we’ll move into where you are today moving forward.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (01:09.646)
Yeah, mean, a lot’s happened since we last recorded. So it’ll be interesting to share some updates. And it was funny as you were introducing today’s conversation, it made me think, gosh, I haven’t kind of tracked my own healing journey publicly in this way in a really long time.

I think it was probably 2022 when I decided I’m gonna do an EVOX once a week on myself for the whole year and record a podcast for every single one. And so there literally is like a solo EVOX podcast series if you go way back in the archives on the website and in the podcast where I’m basically sharing like, here’s what I worked on. I’m doing a five week session on…

money sabotage and money patterns. I’m doing a session on this. And so it was literally this like weekly just sharing and tracking of what I was working through and what was coming up. So it’s making me reminisce on that. And I’m like so afraid to go back and listen to those, especially because I was recording those completely solo. So it just was like me talking to the mic and I feel like I will just cringe if I listen to those.

Kelly (02:10.638)
Yes.

Kelly (02:23.418)
And yet it could be some interesting learnings. Like you never know, you know when you go back and read your old diary, you’re like, my gosh, that was where my head was at or that was coming up at that time. So fascinating, you know, sometimes those old conversations with ourselves hold little keys to what’s going on presently.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (02:42.368)
Yeah, I’m sure there’s something and also just painful. Yeah, just like solo nonstop for 20 minutes. Yeah. So anyway, so it’s reminiscent and it’s also…

Kelly (02:46.298)
Yeah, I wouldn’t want to hear my own voice though, to be honest. That’s really fair. Yeah, not judging you. I couldn’t do it.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (03:02.294)
Powerful I think to see how much can shift in just a couple weeks and also Sometimes things shift for the better. Sometimes things feel like they shift down and you’re experiencing an uptick in symptoms So it was interesting because we were talking off air and you were like, okay so We were talking a little bit about some of the physical stuff you were experiencing and where are you out with that? And I was like, well did I did we talk about my ER visit and you were like, no, we did not

Kelly (03:30.616)
No! Sure didn’t.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (03:32.558)
That did not come up. So we must have recorded before I went to the ER. So this must have been literally like a week after we recorded that I had another just absolutely debilitating headache. I literally felt like I was like almost drunk, just like confused, uncoordinated. Somehow I got myself to urgent care.

And I was, remember being like, I feel like I just got a fresh concussion. Like I feel like I just got hit massively in the head and I am concussed. Having had so many, was like, that is what this is reminiscent of. And so a very long story short, Urgent Care was really concerned. They sent me to ER. They did all the imaging and the blood work and they were like, nothing’s wrong with you. Here’s some medication. Have a nice day.

Kelly (04:23.77)
Of course.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (04:28.694)
And so, you know, they prescribed some like ibuprofen, some muscle relaxers, like a steroid or something, which I was so, I was so like, no, I don’t want to take these and also was in so much pain that I was like, okay, I’ll take it for a day or two. And then the doctor was like, you just need to rest your brain. And I was like, what does that mean?

Kelly (04:32.751)
Mm.

Kelly (04:54.266)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (04:57.516)
I don’t understand the assignment. But it’s meaningful because it was such a forced pause. And what I mean by that is, I took the muscle relaxer, the ibuprofen, the steroid, and it makes you a little groggy. It makes you just a little slightly out of it.

And so thankfully, not thankfully or not, you the ER visit was on a Friday night. So I was like, okay, you know what? Saturday and Sunday this weekend, I am not allowed to think about anything important. Nothing, not a single thing. And I literally remember like Saturday morning being like, what else does one think about if we are not like…

Kelly (05:41.9)
laughs

Leigh Ann Lindsey (05:45.686)
If I’m not thinking about work stuff or relationship stuff or PhD stuff or like, what am I supposed to think about? I don’t understand, which is so silly, right? Cause then I was like, okay, I ended up getting so much done. I hung some curtains I’d been meaning to hang and hung five pictures I’d been meaning to hang and watch TV and like didn’t guilt myself for any of that, which is something I would normally do.

Kelly (06:06.756)
Yeah

Kelly (06:14.212)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (06:14.55)
And yes, I am working with my therapist on perfectionism. Don’t worry, I see it guys, I see it. So it was such a weird thing because there was kind of this like very real, something’s going on, we need to just calm down whatever this brain inflammation is. I’m gonna give myself two days to take these muscle relaxers, not think about anything important.

Kelly (06:16.922)
As a side note, she’s working on that guy.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (06:43.222)
And it was just like the true forced, like absolute stop, do not pass go that I needed to help myself go, you know, is some of what I’m experiencing anxiety and that some of you guys listening might be like, duh. But I like that, that’s not something that’s very common for me. And.

Kelly (07:06.916)
Right.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (07:08.326)
Feeling like caught up in anxiety and just like I can’t stop thinking about things that need to get done assignments. I haven’t finished the person I need to email back The project that I want to do for my business that I’ve been putting off for six months. You just all the things My health stuff and my god. I probably need to research a little bit more and where where it was getting to is I Think I felt so trapped

Kelly (07:24.533)
Right.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (07:36.759)
in that and like none of my normal tools were working. You know, the meditation, the breath work, the Evox, the long walks, my vagus nerve, like they all were supportive in very gentle ways but nothing was like significantly moving the needle and giving me relief.

And I think we talked about a little bit of the spiral maybe a couple episodes ago where it was like, I do think we can get caught in this nasty, physical, emotional spiral where there is some physical stuff going on and there’s some emotional stuff going on. And then we get in this kind of like nasty downward spiral. So I think the blessing in disguise of the ER visit was it forced me to physically settle and kind of calm the nervous system.

do like a hard stop there, which then forced me to go like, okay, two days. I’m not allowed to think about anything serious or important, which then kind of helps settle the emotions. And I think just like give me just enough clarity to be able to go. I think some of what I’m experiencing here is anxiety. It’s contributing to these headaches and I need

to figure out what that’s about. And if there’s anxiety here and none of my normal tools are working, what is going on deeper beneath the surface? And where I landed with that was, I think this anxiety is what I call in my practice, a mask emotion. It’s masking some deeper emotion beneath it that is too hard for me to sit with. And so the anxiety is weirdly protective.

in that way where it’s like, if I’m convinced that I have all these things I need to worry about and they’re urgent and I couldn’t possibly think about anything else but these things, I have a little bit of an excuse to not sit with whatever this deeper thing is.

Kelly (09:43.855)
Yeah, not just sit with but experience it. You know, there’s a real difference between intellectually sitting with something and talking about it in real time with somebody and really just allowing the emotions of what it feels like to be you in that scenario to really rise to the surface.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (10:06.87)
Yeah, and a perfect point, right? Because when I first went deep into this work again with my therapist maybe two or three months ago now, that first session when I was like, okay, we got to face this, I can’t run away from it anymore, I did feel like an initial relief, an initial calming.

And then it kind of ticked back up again and just like stayed at this plateau that I felt like I couldn’t get it below. And I honestly felt genuinely confused. Like, what is going on? Why don’t I feel that much better? I’m facing it. I’m facing the big scary dark thing. And normally that makes me feel better. And so where it led me to was, I’m intellectually facing the thing. I’m saying the words. I’m

recounting the memory to my therapist and yet like there is no emotional experience happening at all. At all. And what made this really click for me is in the few moments in my day like over the course of a week where I’d go okay I need to settle this anxiety let me do let me do some breath work there would be these times where when it would settle what would come up were tears and grief.

Kelly (11:00.836)
really.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (11:30.274)
And I just felt like that was so telling of, and this is why I don’t want the anxiety to go away because here’s what’s coming next.

Kelly (11:40.602)
Yeah. I also wonder if there’s like a homeostasis that our bodies are used to of like carrying something. So even when you like unload a little bit and you feel a little bit lighter, I feel like our bodies just have such a muscle memory almost in a way. that could be physical, it could be emotional that it tries to bring it back to, well, this is just what we’re used to. We’re used to carrying tension at this level emotionally and physically. So it may take some…

iterations of that release to try to teach the body that to accept a new balance.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (12:17.891)
Yeah, I think that’s a really fair point too, right? That safety can feel unsafe to those of us who have been unsafe for so long that being unsafe is normal and in a weird way comfortable. So.

Kelly (12:31.908)
Right, so maybe you only sort of unload to a certain point, right, but not to the point that would actually fully release in a way.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (12:41.527)
Yeah, or like, can’t, you know, a belief beneath the belief is true peace doesn’t actually exist for me. So even though I unloaded and processed this one thing, my unconscious subs in the next thing.

Kelly (12:56.218)
Totally. Or sometimes I think, or I wonder if people feel like true peace doesn’t actually exist at all for anybody. You know, like looking around at people in their various stages of trying to live and survive and attempts to thrive in all of that. I wonder if secretly we all look around and say, I’m not sure anyone is getting it, so I’m definitely not.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (13:05.005)
Maybe.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (13:20.367)
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I think there’s some of that going on too. Absolutely. So to that… Oh, go ahead.

Kelly (13:28.258)
No, no, that’s my, I don’t know, I’m just curious about what the next kind of phase looked like for you after this.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (13:34.743)
Yeah, well, so to that end, was like acknowledging with myself and then, you know, that week with my therapist, like I, I’m not letting any emotional experience of this information we are processing move through me. And it is literally creating this like bottleneck of energy, this like corked up energy, which you think about, you think about the metaphor of a headache, right? Which is like,

It literally felt like there was all this pressure in my head that needs to be released. Like I need to uncork all this pressure so it can kind of flow through. And so was like, well, that’s symbolic. But, and so what I will say is that the week after that session and after kind of that epiphany with myself, it was still like, okay, so how, how, do I get this emotion to actually come through? And

Kelly (14:14.65)
Thanks.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (14:30.891)
A feeling of like it kind of, I almost need to force it out because I’m so afraid to face it that it’s not just going to come through when I now beckon it to come through. And it’s funny because I feel like I see this with clients sometimes too where it’s like, again, we can even intellectually know that we need to viscerally and somatically express emotions. And yet like, it’s so hard to really get that to kind of get that spring flowing and moving through.

And so it started with an attempt at like, okay, I’m going to watch a really sad movie and like get myself crying, which, worked a little bit. Like it got me crying. got some energy moving, but it definitely wasn’t like, honestly, just the total breakdown that I really needed. my gosh. shoot. What was it called? It was.

Kelly (15:09.934)
Perfect. Yeah.

Kelly (15:22.874)
Alright, what was the movie?

Kelly (15:29.636)
feel like we all need to know in case we all cry.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (15:30.871)
It was the new one with Andrew Garfield and, what’s her name? A moment in time? Yeah, a moment in time or something like that. Or all we have is time. I can’t remember exactly. Andrew Garfield and something pew. Florence. Yeah. And you know, it’s about cancer and dying and so very sad.

Kelly (15:35.706)
Oh, is his wife dying?

Kelly (15:40.94)
Okay, yeah.

them.

Florence, right? Florence View.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (15:56.633)
But it wasn’t like the just utter breakdown that I think I needed because the true shock and grief from what we’ve been sitting with, which is my dad was repeatedly abusing me and my older brother at least, and there was intention behind it.

and there was coercion and manipulation and thought going into how he could make this abuse happen and keep happening. And it’s weird to say that that wasn’t a piece that I had sat with before. had years ago processed some of the early abuse when I was maybe like three years old. And what came, what’s a big thing that surfaced at that time was this like real panic that I three year old me never got to express. So.

That was almost more of what I was sitting with, was this panic, this repressed fear that needed to be let out and moved through, and then how do I create safety? But there’s something so deeply dark and disturbing about how the abuse went on until I was at least seven or eight years old. And…

the memories I’m working through now of how he justified it to himself and to me and the things he did to me and to my brother and to us together and all the things all the things and So it’s like who this is like such a dark twisted You know sadistic person who was in charge of my life

And so I think there’s just been an immense amount of true shock and then deep, deep, deep grief. And so there was just a full-on breakdown that I think needed to happen. And so that happened over this weekend.

Kelly (18:01.476)
That’s amazing, right? Doesn’t that feel like a, I don’t know, maybe it feels like a breakthrough, but tell us more.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (18:06.957)
Yeah, it really does. I like I promise this all kind of has a segue to it. But so I’ll give you kind of the condensed version. So I was out with family over the weekend and a family member and I went on a walk and ended up having kind of a deep conversation. And there was something that was said there that just triggered me so deeply. And it was like the perfect, perfect little thing.

to break the seal and just allow everything to come out. And I think this is kind of important to retell some parts of this because it was like real time, me looking at myself and going, Leanne, you’re about to repeat a pattern that you’ve been saying you want to break for 20 years. What are you going to do in this moment? And so, you know, her, my family member and I had this conversation.

And it was all coming from a place of love and vulnerability, it, man, did it trigger me and it broke the seal of the meltdown that I’ve been needing to have for three months now. And this weekend was a big family celebration for someone in our, in our family. And so I was like, okay, I don’t, I don’t want to ruin any of this. I don’t want to make, you know, make waves or kind of shadow their celebration. So I just was like, I’m going to go take a bath.

cried in the bath alone for an hour. And then, you an hour goes by and I’m like, okay, I can’t sit in this bathtub anymore. So I got out and like got dressed again and then sat on the bathroom floor and cried for another hour. And I was sitting on that bathroom floor like this, this is it. This is the pattern that keeps repeating in my life, which is in my depths of despair, I feel like I can’t go to anyone.

And I felt so paralyzed of like, I’m here, they’re all out there having a good time. I’m not gonna walk out there like tears streaming down my face and bring that to everyone, especially when this is like a really beautiful celebration for someone. I wanted to literally like sneak out, get in my car and drive home. And then I was like…

Leigh Ann Lindsey (20:28.397)
That’s also a bit weird and odd and people would be like, what’s happening? What’s going on?

Kelly (20:32.89)
Yeah, you go. She was just in the bath.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (20:38.497)
Yeah. And I felt like totally, totally paralyzed, but also like, but I can’t, I like physically cannot get myself to ask someone to come in here and be with me. And so I saw myself like in the moment of that, also looking at myself and literally thinking through like, this is your pattern. This is your Achilles heel that you feel like you need to.

I can’t ever have a meltdown in front of someone. I’m allowed to meltdown alone, you know, and like isolate the wreckage. And then once I’m composed, I can go tell my family that I had a meltdown and they can be supportive. But in an actual moment of like utter despair and hurt, bringing someone into that, no. Even though that’s one of the things that would actually create like deeper safety and deeper connection with people.

And so I was like, what are you going to do? Are you going to choose to, you know, isolate and hold this in? And I remember thinking to myself, like, I just need someone to come after me, in a sense. Like, knock on the door. And if they could just knock on the door and be like, are you okay? I’ll be able to break down in front of them. But I cannot get myself.

Kelly (21:52.73)
Yeah, like chasing, like walk in, come after. Yeah. Yeah.

Kelly (22:05.594)
to go find someone.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (22:06.669)
to go find someone or ask that of someone. And so I finally got off the bathroom floor, like snuck into the room I was staying in. one of my family members, she had texted me earlier and then she called me and she was like, you know.

Kelly (22:22.393)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (22:26.669)
you’ve been gone for a while, are you okay? And I just broke down crying. Like she was in the house and we’re on the phone and I broke down crying like, no, I’m not okay. And she was like, can I come in? I was like, yes, come in. And like I just sobbed in her arms.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (22:49.839)
Yeah, and it was really special. Because I don’t know that I’ve actually ever really done that with a family member.

at least probably not in my adult life.

Kelly (23:02.5)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (23:05.711)
And it was like, it was so beautiful and so healing to feel pursued, to feel like they see, you know, this person sees I’m hurting and they are gonna come after me and not let me be alone in that. you know, I talk with clients about how like we can intellectually know.

They’re safe, I can do this, I can break down in front of them. And yet, part of what’s actually gonna help that belief be ingrained is having the experience of I broke down in front of them and it was okay and they showed up for me.

Kelly (23:47.578)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (23:53.385)
So it was really like, yeah, I mean, I probably cried for three hours straight and then, you know, in total, then called a family meeting with kind of our core inner circle later that night and cried some more. And so it was like that real visceral somatic release of emotion.

Kelly (24:13.764)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (24:18.935)
that really, really needed to happen. And so that was like Saturday and Sunday. Monday, I felt just like truly emotionally hungover, like hungover. Yeah, the headache, like I think I need electrolytes because I cried out all my minerals.

Kelly (24:27.928)
Makes sense. Makes sense. huh.

Kelly (24:34.221)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (24:38.479)
But I feel so different. You know, now it’s Tuesday. I literally feel like cleaned out, purged.

Kelly (24:50.906)
Isn’t it wild how like a very serious cry will do that for you? Yeah, it does. It does feel that way. And did you feel met by your family members and held and seen by the group? Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (24:55.289)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (24:59.927)
Yeah, and so…

Leigh Ann Lindsey (25:04.515)
Totally, yeah. Totally, because they were hard conversations. It was me being super vulnerable of like, what you said deeply hurt me, and also kind of letting her know, and also, I’ve had a meltdown that’s been brewing for like three months, so don’t worry, I’m not always gonna react this way if you trigger me or if I get triggered by something you said. Kind of also giving her a pass of like,

Kelly (25:30.874)
Sure.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (25:34.947)
The thing that triggered me that you said isn’t really the reason I’m sobbing like this. There’s much bigger things that she is aware of and that we talked through. But what was really beautiful is like in the family meeting that happened later, she was able to say to me, like, I feel so honored.

Kelly (25:38.968)
Thank you.

Kelly (25:44.302)
Right.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (25:58.115)
that I got to be there for you and that you let me be there for you and that I got to see you like that. you know, it’s, I feel like my family for many, many years has been like, Leanne, we want you to let us in. And it’s like, I want it too, but gosh, just, it’s so hard for so many reasons. You know, for so many reasons. And so it was a beautiful, beautiful time of,

deep connection, repair, honest vulnerability. And as a family, talking about like, it’s really special that we have a family where we can get triggered and you’re allowed to be vulnerable. I’m allowed to be triggered by your vulnerability and then we can come back and repair and be authentic. And it’s just really, really powerful.

Kelly (26:56.74)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (26:58.231)
And a part of where that led was there was a lot of things that came out with that family meeting as well that I won’t get into because it involves other people that’s not my story to tell. But Sunday, Sunday, yeah, Sunday was the first time that I actually shared explicit details of the sexual abuse with my family. Before I had just said like, hey, dad,

you know, sexually abused me for all these years. And that’s kind of as far as it went. And I think for a couple of reasons. One, there was a part of me that’s like, no one needs to know these details. It’s so dark and so heavy. And I also think deeper beneath that, I was not ready to share those details to them, maybe even face them on deeper levels with myself. So that was really powerful.

Kelly (27:31.534)
Right.

Kelly (27:40.046)
Okay.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (27:58.607)
And there was a moment where there was five of us in this room having this conversation, and we all were just sobbing together. And I think this is what, I think we talked about this in one of our conversations where I was like, the one thing I wanna do is tell people and have my loved ones understand what I’m carrying and why it’s so hard and dark.

and then at the same time feeling like there’s no way they’re ever going to be able to because I can’t tell them these things.

Kelly (28:28.996)
Right.

And here you are. You’ve told them these things. How do you feel about it now?

Leigh Ann Lindsey (28:35.64)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (28:39.063)
A both and of.

It was very…

validating to see the depth of their despair and reaction to it. And I’m not going to lie. Like there was a part of me that was like, this is what I’ve been needing to see from you guys. Like I needed to see that you were devastated by what’s happened. And at the same time, acknowledging that without the explicit details, I get why you could never have a reaction like this.

Kelly (29:00.032)
Yes. Yes.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (29:17.665)
So there was a sense of feeling really validated and also super loved. Like, yeah, they get it now. They get the darkness I’ve been carrying for three years.

that feels really powerful. And I do feel a relief that part of me that’s like, no one can understand what I’m going through because they don’t know. And I do feel a deep relief there of like, they get it now. They get it now. And at the same time, feeling so exposed and honestly that shame of like, ooh, okay.

Kelly (29:55.908)
Mm.

Kelly (30:03.406)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (30:04.281)
they know these details. I feel like I’m standing in the room naked and just utterly exposed. And so just, there’s residual shame that I need to continue to work through of these things happened and they’re awful and disgusting. And I had nothing to do with that. I played no part in that.

Kelly (30:08.002)
Yeah, that’s what was gonna say.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (30:28.739)
But it’s there and I need to work through that too. And thankfully my family reiterated all of those messages too, which is, we know you had nothing to do with this, we’re so sorry. But yeah, it’s the both end of like, I told them and a day later I kind of a little bit, I’m like, my gosh, my gosh, okay, they know who, I feel like me, I feel exposed.

Kelly (30:48.026)
Yes, yes, yes, yes. mean, yeah, it is a very, I mean, you’re exposing a thing that you probably never want to think about for any period of time, right? To other people to potentially think about and ponder. And that’s just not, that’s not something anyone wants to do, of course. That makes perfect sense. And yet I think,

just knowing how people really feel, right? Of course, if it’s you, you feel one way, but other people receiving that, they’re only worrying about you, right? Their next thoughts in the days leading after are just like, how can we support her? Or like, this is horrible, and I’m only thinking about how to love her well in this.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (31:39.575)
Yeah, yeah. And I think they’re like, I think them now having some of the explicit details, they’re actually going to finally be able to process their own grief and shock. And that’s, you know, we’ve had conversations in the past of, and I’m not the one who’s going to be able to support you in that.

processing, whatever this does to you or for you, I can’t be the one to help you through that because I’m in it too. And so I hope you can find some support at other anchors, but I can’t be the anchor for you in this particular thing.

Kelly (32:15.034)
Right.

Kelly (32:18.938)
sure.

Kelly (32:27.266)
Such an intimate thing to…

to, I guess, to use your word, expose yourself to family that way. I mean, it’s like a closeness not built on something beautiful and that’s a different intimacy, you know?

Leigh Ann Lindsey (32:45.641)
that’s a, what a powerful statement. It’s not built on something beautiful.

Kelly (32:52.036)
Yeah, but it’s super intimate nonetheless. Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (32:54.657)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Totally. The deep, deep connection and love and safety can sometimes be built on heaviness and darkness and just coming together in that.

Kelly (33:05.562)
Yeah, and in fact, I think that is like the most life-saving form of connection and intimacy you can have with another person, right? Is to hold their darkest moments.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (33:17.645)
Yeah.

Yeah, and I think partly why it’s so hard to bring, right? For me, it’s always been like when I’m in the depths of despair, if I reach out for support and it doesn’t come, that will hurt so much more than just sitting in the depths of despair alone. And so I don’t reach out and I navigate the depths of despair on my own as I have for 30 years.

And then I come out of it and I tell my family a month later, wow, I was in the depths of despair a month ago. And they’re all like, why didn’t you reach out? What do you mean? And so I’m also really proud of myself for in the depths of despair going, I have a choice right now to repeat the pattern I’ve been doing for 30 years.

Kelly (33:56.619)
Yeah.

Kelly (34:12.398)
Mm-hmm.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (34:14.689)
and I know where that leads me in the loneliness or go, this is really, really scary. But I’ve been wanting to break this pattern for however many years. here’s what a beautiful, what I would tell my clients, what a beautiful practice round.

Kelly (34:17.102)
Mm-hmm.

Kelly (34:31.602)
So huge, mean, look, the whole breakdown breakthrough only happened because you did that. The whole thing, the whole family meeting, the whole experience of being able to like really let go in front of others and like get fully purged out of you really only ended up being seen all the way through because you answered her call.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (34:37.291)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (34:53.695)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Completely. So there-

Kelly (34:58.414)
I mean, I’m sure you would have felt some measure of relief from just crying by yourself, right, in the bathroom and then like slapping some makeup on your face and going out and enjoying the night. But I mean, we probably would be sitting here having a really different conversation.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (35:03.086)
Bye.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (35:12.207)
Yeah, completely. And just that in the processing and healing of the abuse from my dad, this was something else entirely that is starting to get healed too, which is the deeper pattern that even beyond the abuse, I don’t bring my depths of despair to anyone. Whether it’s the depths of despair about, you know,

my PhD or my business or whatever it might be. Like I never have brought that to anyone. And so I also see that that beauty in like this started with shock and grief around the abuse that I’ve been carrying. And that in and of itself is something that needs to be tended and metabolized. But here’s this other big pattern that it’s highlighting and bringing to the surface. And what am I going to do with this? And like, that’s the deeper pattern, right?

Welcoming the safe people into the journey is sometimes that deep anchor that creates the deep, deep safety beyond what we can bring for ourselves.

Kelly (36:19.992)
Right, right. And it, I think to your point, it helps to fuel the journey because you’re depleted in the processing, right? And it allows other people to help, yeah, support, give energy, provide stamina behind the process. You almost borrow a little bit of their capacity energetically to keep going.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (36:47.471)
Because we’re not little islands. And yes, there is an immense amount of peace and safety and trust and healing we can get solo within ourselves. But community is 100 % a part of that. And not everyone has that. how can we start to find that?

I think also a part of the wounding is for me, it’s like my narrative was no one’s safe, no one’s safe. And so even when safe people were in my life and in my orbit, I couldn’t let myself see that or receive it. And I think that was a big step this week was going.

Kelly (37:16.442)
great.

Kelly (37:25.848)
Mm-hmm.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (37:34.977)
you’re never gonna know if they’re actually safe until you, in a way, test them in this moment and see if they show up for you. And I was never willing to do the test.

Kelly (37:43.522)
Yeah. Was that because you were afraid that if they like failed, quote unquote, that it would mean something about you or about them or about your relationship to them?

Leigh Ann Lindsey (37:59.831)
I’m sure like maybe on some level there was an unconscious narrative of I don’t think they can hold me in these moments, but if I never test them, I’ll never know for sure. Versus if I let them in in one of these moments and they quote unquote fail, then I’ll know for sure that these people can’t hold me and that’s devastating. Yeah.

Kelly (38:25.882)
Great. That’s unbearable.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (38:30.145)
That’s unbearable. And that is devastating. if and it’s not to say that it couldn’t have been true for some people, but I’m so grateful that in this moment it wasn’t true. And it’s it’s really I feel very like, wow, that was probably one of the most pivotal moments in my life thus far. Like pattern breaking and shifting.

Kelly (38:55.63)
Yeah.

That is huge. Thank you for sharing with us. It’s amazing. It’s a huge, huge, huge moment. And it’s also, sounds like, you know, just kind of a massive step. I won’t say forward, just a step, you know, just a massive chapter in this story for you to…

Leigh Ann Lindsey (39:00.13)
Yeah.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (39:04.239)
Yeah.

Kelly (39:24.694)
and something you’ve been like anticipating needing to happen for a long time. What a relief, right? Because I definitely know the feeling, I’m sure all of us do, of just like knowing something’s stuck, stagnant, needing to get out and not being able to access it is incredibly frustrating.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (39:43.339)
Yeah, yeah, so just go find someone to trigger you and set off that flood.

Kelly (39:48.57)
If the movie doesn’t work, find someone in your life you know will trigger you. Have a nice chat, go home and cry.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (39:54.479)
No. That’s a joke. And also, you know, she, we repaired and the trigger is my own shit, right? So we were in trouble.

Kelly (40:07.908)
Right, right, right, right. Yeah, triggers aren’t always bad. That word is very negative in its connotation, but I don’t feel that way. I I think people can trigger you for all kinds of reasons that are just, you know, very innocuous, so it happens.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (40:20.327)
Mm-hmm, yeah, So that’s where we’re at. And should we record another one? We’ll see where we’re at a month from now.

Kelly (40:26.564)
We’ll stay tuned. I think now we will. I think we will just to check in and see what’s transpired since. Thank you as always.

Leigh Ann Lindsey (40:37.826)
Yeah, thank you.