THE ACCRESCENT™ PODCAST EPISODE 186

Okay, well we are back with another kind of, yeah, behind the scenes conversation, I guess we could say with Kelly and I, and we were just talking off air and I was saying I sometimes like to do these episodes where I share some of the things I’m experiencing. Life updates, but more of, you know, when I experience really big things in my life too, really big moments of turbulence.

I think sometimes it’s helpful or insightful or expansive to share that. So that one, you guys, as the audience know, even though I live in this world of emotional work, I still totally experience big, heavy, devastating things that rock me to my core. And also just sharing how I navigate those. In real time, although I will say I’m a little, I, I knew I had to wait.

I do always try to wait to record episodes on my life stuff once I’m at a point of regulation with it, [00:01:00] and I think that’s so important. If we had tried to record this even like three weeks ago, I think I would’ve been a total basket case, and I think that energy would’ve really been felt by the audience even as you’re listening to it.

So I do feel like I’m, I’m past the. The most turbulent part of this. And also I do think there’s still more work to do, but grounded enough that I think I can kind of talk about it in a way that is cohesive and makes sense and isn’t completely dysregulating for everyone listening. Yeah. And some insights come with time.

Right? That’s such a good reminder that sometimes our initial instinct is, is just that big emotional reaction, but the true insights, what we can take away, the learnings. They tend to trickle in down the line. Right. So this is probably the perfect timing. Yeah. How removed you from kind of this event now?

Probably a month. A month at least. Probably like exactly a month. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I guess I’ll try to try to depict [00:02:00] kind of the instigating event or thing that happened. And then I think what I wanna spend a good time with is. What was so profound about this experience for me is I, the reaction I had, like physically and emotionally, but mainly physically, the response my body had to this thing that happened that completely blew me away.

Like it, it took me by surprise. I did not expect that is what my reaction would be, and I think that’s why it was even more devastating and jarring, but. So, a long story short, I think a lot of the audience will know some of my personal trauma history with my father, that he sexually abused me and my brothers for a number of years through infancy, early childhood.

And so probably two and a half years ago, I had a conversation with him basically saying, you know, you can no longer be a part of my life. This is your, you know. [00:03:00] Irreparable in the sense that this relationship cannot be repaired. I can go do my own healing, but this relationship can no longer be a part of my life.

So I have not seen or spoken to him in two and a half years. However, he has been living with someone I’m very close with, and a part of the backstory behind that. Is before he was living with them, he was homeless for a number of years before this living out of his car. And so this person during COV took him in, let, let him come live with them on the premise that he, you know, works and pays minimum rent and does some of these things.

And, um, ultimately it became. As I think we all expected a very, very toxic situation where it really was just him kind of leaching off of them. And so those individuals have been wanting to gradually move him out of their home and their space for probably a year now. And really what happened is [00:04:00] finally at the beginning of March, he finally moved out.

Mm. And is back living in his car. So it’s, I mean, gosh, there’s like already so many places I could go, but I think what I’ll start with is. I didn’t expect to have any kind of negative reaction to that. I’ve known for a year that they’ve been trying to get him out. Um, and I’ve just kind of been like, God, I just can’t wait for that moment, mainly for them so that they will have this freedom so that their home will be a safe place.

I can now go visit again because I hadn’t been to their home in two and a half years. None of our family really had. Um, we had seen them outside of that in other locations, but just not in their home. And so I thought I, it was just gonna be like, great, he’s out. Amazing. This is all good. And that is not at all the reaction or the experience that I had to, that.

What is so interesting is, [00:05:00] I guess, so much of what happened came out physiologically first, before I was even having all these cognitive thoughts around it. And I think maybe where I should even start is I didn’t know the day he moved out. I found out about a week later where these, these, this person had told me.

Yeah, yeah. It was about a week ago that he had moved out. And what was so bizarre, Kelly, is that I. When I looked at the timeline of events, the day he moved out was the day I got sick. Oh, wow. With just like the seemingly random out of the blue sickness. That wasn’t really one specific thing. It was like, I kind of am feeling a little bit of a, a sore throat.

I’m kind of having some sinus stuff. I’m having body aches. I’m having, it was sort of all over the place. And so that started like the day he moved out and at that time I was not aware that he was moving out. So I had no cognitive knowing of what was going on. [00:06:00] But then, you know, I’m kind, I’m kind of going back and forth here.

What happened was that kind of spiraled into a month of so many different random illnesses. Mm-hmm. You know, so it was like I was kind of sick with whatever that thing was for a couple of days over the weekend, and then Tuesday, that first week, he had moved out, still not knowing he was now homeless again.

I ended up in the ER with kidney stones and a kidney infection again, like seemingly out of nowhere. No symptoms, no issues, nothing. Just all of a sudden, boom, it’s here. Now I’m in the ER in excruciating pain, and then, you know, that kind of dissipated in a few days later. Insane body aches all over. All this time I’m sleeping terribly.

Um. Yeah, it’s, it’s hard to describe because the symptoms were all over the place. Yeah. It wasn’t like, you know, I just got a flu for two weeks and that was it. It [00:07:00] was like, it was kind of this, and then it was a little bit, and then it was a kidney infection and then it was this like migraine and it, it was so bizarre and I literally felt like I was under attack.

Yeah. Oh totally. Your body just freaked out. Absolutely. Completely total like somatic reaction to this, which again, I think is so wild because all of that started before I even cognitively knew. Wow. And I really think that speaks to, you know, in depth psychology, we would say the collective unconscious, that there is like a bigger knowing we can tap into.

And I really do believe my spirit, the night he moved out, knew. And was immediately responding to that. Yeah, there’s so many pieces of this that I kind of wanna highlight because something that was very interesting for me, once I did find out he had moved out, I was like, oh my gosh. And I asked about the date, and then I was like, I started to put all these pieces together.

But something that immediately struck [00:08:00] me was some of my old patterns of self neglect resurfaced, and these were patterns that I used to be deeply, deeply ingrained in, like, you know, such levels of kind of fatigue and apathy and probably low grade depression that I don’t wanna shower. I, I don’t wanna cook any food.

I barely eat. I am sleeping horribly. I don’t even wanna brush my teeth. Mm-hmm. And that, those were patterns that I really lived in daily for many years. That I think because of the work I’ve done over the last years, I don’t experience those anymore. But those all of a sudden resurfaced again. That first week he moved out before I even knew he had moved out.

All of these ca, all of these patterns came back with. With like a vengeance. And I just found myself being like, what is going on? Why are these resurfacing? Hmm. And it was so powerful [00:09:00] because, you know, I, I immediately am like, okay, I need to do an eox asap. Yeah. Something’s going on. Because that first week I just was like, this is weird.

I’m getting sick. What’s going on? I hadn’t quite pinpointed anything. And then about a week into it is when I found out he had moved out and I was like, oh, I think this is my life. This is it. Yeah. Like this is like some deep, deep turbulence getting expressed physically. Right. In a very, very intense way.

So I did it, I think I did an evox that first weekend. I had found out he had moved and I, I had such an epiphany in that Kelly, where I was like, holy shit. All of these neglect patterns I am dealing with are all the things he can’t do. Being homeless. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I just need like a minute with that because it’s, it feels so true.

Yes. Where it’s like, oh, he can’t really shower, [00:10:00] he can’t cook food for himself. He can’t even really brush his teeth because there’s, you know, no way to do that unless you have a water bottle on the side of the road. He can’t sleep well. Mm-hmm. And I had never had that epiphany before of making that connection.

I. Um, which I think, you know, I think there’s so much more inquiry to do here and processing for me because like I said, those were patterns I struggled with for many, many years. And when I look back at the timeline of that, those were also all the years he was homeless. And so that sent me on this whole kind of psychological, but also even more like spiritual inquiry of.

Whoa. I feel like there is still some kind of energetic or spiritual connection between the two of us that needs to be like tended and and severed in some way. Yeah. That was your initial feeling, right? Like there is still a connection here and I need to eliminate it. Mm-hmm. [00:11:00] Somehow. Mm-hmm. And it felt very different to me because I think I had done a lot of work previously towards the maybe emotional connection and the responsibility for him of.

I am not his keeper. I do not need to carry his, his stuff. I do not need to feel guilty about releasing him from my life. And so in that sense, like emotional and maybe, um, practical, logistical responsibility for him, I felt I had let that go many years ago, but this felt like, oh, there’s still some kind of energetic, and for whatever reason, I felt like some kind of spiritual connection Wow.

To him. And this is where I’m saying I do think I have a lot more tending to do on this topic. And I also wanna start working. I wanna bring in some other professionals to help me, you know? Yeah. Sit with this. Because a part of it, a part of me wonders is this, is this some part of me that does feel guilty?

And so, you know, there’s a part of me that’s like, [00:12:00] because he can’t shower, I shouldn’t either. Yeah. Because he can’t cook a good meal for himself. I shouldn’t eat well either. So I could see that being a potential factor. But there’s something about it, and this is where that word spiritual kind of comes in for me.

’cause there’s something about it that feels, I said earlier, like under attack. Hmm. Like not just I am attuning to his emotions, but literally like something heavy and dark is getting forced on me. And that was a very unique feeling. Yeah. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt that in this way before, or at least been attuned to that.

And what was very, very interesting is in talking with one of my siblings, he was experiencing very, very similar things. Wow. All before. All Before knowing he had moved out and was now homeless as well. Wow. So it just was like, wow, this absolutely rocked us. Yeah. I [00:13:00] feel like I’m just going on and on. I just like, what does it mean?

You know, my head is spinning too, right? Like, I guess my initial thought is sort of, sort of this sense of like, is there something biological in nature, which just means like, we’re so incredibly connected into our shared DNA, wherever we share it, um, that it’s. Speaks to us, um, whether or not we want it to, and if that could be true, and if that is in fact what’s happening here, how far back does that go, and how much of our ancestral DNA and their experiences are informing our daily lives without us.

Mm-hmm. Completely, completely. And this is where I, that like, that generational piece is so powerful because I, I feel like I do see a lot of people who are doing so much of their own work and healing their own stuff, and yet they’re like, why do I still have this anxiety? Why do I still have this panic?

Or any number of different things? And I do think that sometimes is a cue of this might be someone else’s [00:14:00] stuff. Right. That just emotional, just like, even like biologically. Somehow it’s, it’s. It’s sort of thrust upon you just from this physical connection. Yeah. Yeah. But I just, I have never in my entire life experienced something to this degree where it just was like, my body, mind, and spirit feels like it’s under attack and my, like, my body just keeps, I can tell it’s at capacity and it is expressing something very big in a very physiological way.

Yeah. And I think that’s something worth pointing out because oftentimes something big happens and it, it comes up, you know, emotionally or psychologically first, cognitively, where all these thoughts and, and all these memories, it’s very thought based. Mm-hmm. And then maybe there are some physical symptoms, but primarily it’s thought based, maybe emotion based.

Right. For me, this felt the exact [00:15:00] opposite, which also felt very unusual for me that. I didn’t, I wasn’t even having cognitive thoughts or, or stressful thoughts or fearful thoughts I wasn’t having initially. Yeah. Any kind of emotional outbursts. Sure. It was just this like insane breakdown, shut down, overwhelm of the body.

Yeah. In all these different ways. Now, once I knew that he had moved out and he was homeless, I think I. I sobbed every day for like a week and a half. You did. There was then this sort of like outpouring of just a ton of raw emotion that needed to be released, but even then it still wasn’t that cognitive.

It just was like. I need to sob. I don’t even really know why, but I just need to let this come out. Yeah. Like did that surprise you that you felt so much about it? Oh my God. Completely. I mean, yes and no. Like initially, yes, because I just really think I would’ve felt total relief of like, oh my God, I’m [00:16:00] so glad they’re free of him.

Yeah. They can now go live their life in a different way. I can now have a deeper connection with these people. Yeah. Um, but what, you know, I guess kind of now speaking to, in doing more processing around it, why do I feel that it did hit me so deeply is twofold. One, it brought up a ton of fear and maybe even panic that I think is coming from a much younger part of me of, it’s so funny ’cause when I learned he moved out, the first words that flashed through my head were, he’s out now.

Oh, wow. Almost as if he had been like, let out of jail. Yeah. Um, and like now he’s free to roam the world and I don’t know where he is. Yeah, and that’s scary. And that I think totally rocked my psyche. Whereas before unconsciously, there was actually this weird safety of like, I know where he is. That’s his home base.

He’s not straight and far from me. Someone’s got eyes on [00:17:00] him like we’re good. Yeah, totally. Mm-hmm. So I think this really stirred up some kind of fear of like, well, fuck yeah. Where is he? Does he know where I live? Mm-hmm. He get access. Things are listed publicly on websites like, yeah, it’s hard to find me if you wanted to.

Um, does he, something that came up in one of my EVOC sessions was, you know, what if he blames me for this because I was the one that spoke out first and brought it up. And so does he blame me? And if he gets into some like manic or intense psychological state, will he try to come after me? Yeah. And so all of that like kind of came in an.

Um, I mean, that’s only natural that those feelings are I think so, so natural to your situation. I think all of that, that initial fear would be very visceral for someone who’s maybe, to your point, subconsciously felt like this person, almost like he was in [00:18:00] jail, but he wasn’t. Right. Like he, yes, he was contained completely and, and now what?

I mean, that is a big question mark to have hanging over your head. Something I use myself often and recommend to clients often too, is the Apollo neuro wearable device. This is a wearable device that helps regulate the nervous system, has been proven to increase. HRV helps with sleep focus, and a couple of things I really love is.

It’s super inconspicuous, so it’s something you can have on all day at work, at home, wherever you’re going, and no one’s really gonna notice it. And I love that because a lot of the nervous system regulating devices out there, or supportive devices out there aren’t that practical. You really have to do them at home, or it’s not something you’d really want to be doing or using in public.

But the Apollo wearable is so inconspicuous and easy, [00:19:00] and it uses vibration haptics that send safety and regulating signals to the nervous system to allow for more focus, better sleep, calmer state. They have won so many awards for this product and I feel like there’s a million more things I could say about it.

So I’ll encourage you guys to check the show notes below for a link to learn more about the product. I also have a discount code below, and I think this is where that like conscious subconscious comes in because consciously I could talk myself through and a lot of these thoughts are irrational. Yeah, there’s no way he could get inside your home.

You know, there’s so many different checkpoints and locks you can’t get through. Yeah. Um, even if he showed up at work, there’s so many people around, there’s no way he could like assault you and do something to you. You have so much autonomy to protect yourself, but that it kind of goes to show. Yeah. It’s not my logical self that means [00:20:00] tending in this moment.

You know, for me, I did an EVOC session today on it. It was my 6-year-old self who came up. And for her it was a lot of memories of like being trapped with him on weekends, after the, after the divorce. Yeah. Not having any choice or autonomy or anyone to call or talk to, to say what was happening. And so it was that six-year-old part that is like, I feel trapped.

I feel like I have no power to do anything here. Yeah. Yeah. And so it’s, it is tending to those pieces. Um. A little bit of that. So that, that was one piece of this that, especially even today in the evoc I did on it, I felt like lessened so significantly, like such, such a deeper safety could come in after tending to it in the way I do with evox, paired with this kind of subconscious approach.

But the other piece of it was just this. Devastation, this emotional anguish. [00:21:00] Really, those are the words that just kind of sum it up of, and I’m, this is what I really do still need to work on. I just cannot wrap my head around this like, yeah, he’s homeless. Mm-hmm. He’s living out of his car. That’s my father.

How can that be my father? How can this be his story? How can this be my story? What does he do? What I mean, it’s so sad to say, but what is his life? What is the purpose of his life? Mm-hmm. And I think someone might come in and just go, who fucking cares? He abused you. Like, forget about it. And I get that. I do get that.

But I also think it’s, um, it’s okay for me. To still be able to hold that nuance and have empathy for him as a human being on this planet. Yeah. Now that’s not to say I do not in, there’s not an ounce of me that feels guilty or responsible [00:22:00] or is like, oh, should I maybe do something like You should do something.

Yeah. That’s what I was gonna say. Okay. There’s no piece of that. There’s no piece of that. The boundary for me is so rock solid. Yeah. But it just has been interesting because it just feels like something I can’t wrap my head around. Because the boundary is rock solid in reality, but emotionally, spiritually, it’s actually very permeable as you found.

Right? And so you can have this physical barrier of course, but does that mean that you’re protected? You’ve, you’ve. Put the barrier in and you’re done and you’re good. As you found, that hasn’t been the case. You still, that 6-year-old self part of you is still naturally concerned. There’s still the fear.

Then there’s the mix of the empathy, and I’m curious, do you feel like in there, is there a sense of like, but it’s my dad and I love him, or is it a sense of he’s a person and I empathize and I don’t [00:23:00] want this for anybody? Or how is this possible? For a person in my family. Yeah. Like where do you fall in that?

Yeah. I think it’s a collection of those. Uh, you said something really profound actually, that struck me so deeply just now of the logistical boundaries are so strong, but the spiritual ones might not be. Yeah. And that, that really just hit me hard. And I was thinking about that as you were talking of Wow.

That that’s true. Thank you for saying that. That was really insightful. I need to, I need to sit with that. And that’s actually, I’ve gone to a couple of my colleagues in my cohort for my PhD program because there’s, I mean, everyone in there is so special and you know, an expert in what they’re doing specifically, but there’s a couple that I really value their insight particularly into this spiritual, energetic piece.

Yeah. Um, and they’ve given me some really, really powerful insight into that. And one of the things one of them said was.[00:24:00]

You need to trust that he’s, he’s tended to. Mm-hmm. You know, he, he has his own angels. He has his own, whatever the word might be. Right. His own spirit guides, his own God looking over him. Yeah. And you just need to trust that and let that go and. That doesn’t need to be something you’re concerned of. And I think where that comes from is less of this is my father and I, I still love him and want my father.

I think now further inquiry could maybe flip the head, but I think it’s just much more about this is a human being that I do know of. Yeah. And if it’s someone, you know, it’s just so hard to, yeah. Distance yourself from it. And, and so I think there is some level of like energetic spiritual concern of the devastation.

And it’s very hard not to stop myself from thinking like, what is he doing right now? Is he just, oh yeah. [00:25:00] Is he just driving around town? Is he sitting on a park bench? Is he. Sitting for seven hours in a Starbucks talking, some stranger’s ear off because he has nothing else to do. Mm-hmm. What? What is that life and how devastating that would be if that was my life?

Yeah. I was gonna just say, is there any part of you that just feels like, that can never be me? Like I even subconsciously like. I can never have that happen to me. Yeah, I think so. And I haven’t really, I haven’t really looked into that in a deep way, but I think, I think especially when it’s someone you know, and I think especially when it’s a parent, unconsciously, what happens is like, well, if that could happen to my dad, it could happen to me.

Yes. There’s this, this, um, it feels like your parents should always represent no matter who they are in your life or how they show up. Yeah. What’s possible, they should represent, uh, like a [00:26:00] sense of stability that life is gonna be okay. That, see, they’re, they’re older than me and they’re getting to the end of their lives and everything works out.

Mm-hmm. And when it doesn’t happen, I think it causes. Concern. You know, to be honest, even hearing his story makes me feel unsettled. Mm-hmm. Because I feel the same way, like that can happen to someone’s parent. Mm-hmm. That’s to me, and I don’t wanna think that that’s a possibility for any human being.

Right. That’s deeply troubling. But I do think as we’re talking about that permeable spiritual, but like some deeply biological barrier, you know, that’s, you’ve got this connection, um, that I think is. Not easily torn, no matter what’s going on between the two of you. And so I think it’s that much more like maybe palpable at times, but also like important in your emotional like turbulence right now.

Um, I don’t know. Do you, do you know what I’m saying? Yeah, totally. I just think this is [00:27:00] so, it’s, it’s your, it’s your parent. Like you can’t kind of. Tear those bonds as much as we want to. Well, and I think we’re just there. I think there’s something primal, energetic, spiritual. Yes, primal. We see ourselves in our parents.

Yeah. More so than anyone else on this planet. More so than if it was a friend who was homeless or an uncle or a teacher. I don’t know. When it’s your parent, I think there’s just something, there is some, something that happens in the psyche of like, holy shit. This, if this is his narrative. Yeah. On some level it could be mine.

Yes. Mm-hmm. And I think that’s very unsettling. And maybe even chatting this out, like that’s some insight for me of Yeah. Why it’s so hard to wrap my head around. And I think maybe those are some narratives I need to. Reframe it. Expand for myself. Yeah. Yeah. I, I totally resonate with that. And, and yet of course then all of this stuff is [00:28:00] happening in your life that’s giving you this sense, this added sense of instability, right?

Like when your health is so rocked and you’re in such a vulnerable place. I’ve had a kidney stone. It is the. The most God awful pain. And in that moment you feel so vulnerable. You are so at the mercy of the people taking care of you. So interesting because very similar to having parents and a young kid who needs your parents so much.

When you’re sitting in the er, you’re looking to the doctors and nurses like, I’m a baby. Mm-hmm. Please help me. I’m at my lowest most vulnerable point, and. You’re just brought back to this sense of vulnerability you have been over the last month. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Completely and And need and devastation and Yes.

So many different things. I mean, if we wanted to go down a whole depth psychological inquiry on this one, I found it very interesting that I got kidney infection and kidney stones out of nowhere. The emotion associated with the kidney is fear. Yeah. [00:29:00] But, you know, depth, in depth psychology, what we might inquire into is, I, I have devastation that needs expressing, but maybe expressing it by directly saying, I’m devastated about this story with my dad is too much.

So my psyche is looking for another thing to create, to allow me to express that devastation. And I, you know, it could do that by. Manifesting kidney and kidney stones and all these illnesses to where I could go, God, this illness is devastating me. Yeah. And the illness is what allows me to be able to express that devastation.

Yeah, completely. Oh man, that is so wild. Mm-hmm. Oh, so as you’re kind of, you know, kind of pulling at the strings of this and piecing it together for yourself. How are you interacting with your siblings on this? What is the family kind of energy around where [00:30:00] everyone’s at a month later? Yeah, yeah. That’s special I think in, you know, protecting some of their experiences.

I don’t wanna go into too much, but me and my brothers were able to spend a weekend together and it was really powerful. It was really heavy. But it was really powerful for us to get to talk about some of our different experiences just in this last month and actually how similar they were without us even knowing the level of devastation.

There was a similar sentiment of feeling like we were under some kind of external attack, like some kind of external thing was being forced on us. But, you know, it opened up, it, it’s something that the three of us together have never really sat down. And talked about in this way for a number of different reasons.

So not just him being homeless, like the abuse that happened. Yeah. Even though it’s, it’s kind of been out for a number of years now. [00:31:00] So it opened up a, um, a good dialogue, a good starting dialogue on that topic for us, which I think was. Healing in and of itself. And then also a starting point to what I hope is much deeper healing for all of us together and individually.

Um, but yeah, it was wild to see how. How dramatic it was for all of us in similar ways. Yeah, and then in some different ways too. There are so many different wonderful resources, therapies, modalities, that we can use when we’re in a time of heightened stress, whether it’s work stress. Family stress, relationship stress, and I feel like the last couple of months I have been certainly in a heightened state of stress for a number of really wonderful reasons related to growth, and then also some heavier personal reasons.

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Check the show notes below. There will [00:33:00] be a discount code and a link you can use to try either of these products or any of the other amazing products. By SymbioticA, are you, um, you know, coming to any new thoughts this week, I guess any, what’s your sort of next step on this as you continue to process it?

Yeah, I think a part of, you know, a part of it was when these things come up, you know, immediately holding this premise with myself of, okay, I know my body’s not trying to betray me. I know my mind isn’t trying to betray me. Everything is just here for my highest good and to protect me. So it’s really hard, especially physically when you’re experiencing things to, to not just be like, what the fuck is happening?

Yeah. You know, why? Why is my body breaking down? Why are these things going on? But for me now, like I take that as an immediate sign. Something is weighing on me. Something’s at capacity. How can I attune to this? [00:34:00] But keeping that like love. Even gratitude for my inner self. Yeah. Because there’s, there’s an inner self who’s already deeply hurting, who’s just trying to communicate.

Yeah. If I turn on myself and go, why are you breaking down? Why aren’t you doing this? Why can’t you just get it together? That’s like a wound on a wound now. Mm-hmm. So I think that’s always a starting point for me. But some of the ways I’ve been trying to tend to myself, mind, body, and spirit are, um, I’ve made hour morning walks, like.

Pretty much non-negotiable. Okay. I do that, you know, six if not seven days a week. And that was. Immense through my mental and physical health. Good. Because, and I think that there’s so much in there, right? The movement, all that sunshine. Yeah. That they’re not, they’re not like, okay, this is a fast-paced walk.

How many miles can I get done? How far can I go? It’s literally the most, yeah. Lounging, lingering, [00:35:00] slow. Slow thing ever. There’s no gold. There’s no gold. You’re not, I mean, you’re almost inherently purposeless. It’s like, this can be whatever. I can listen to a book on tape. I can listen to music, I can listen to nothing.

I can walk in silence. I can call a friend. Yeah. But it just was that slowness, and I’m telling you, I really think that. That was the most impactful thing on my nervous system. That’s when I started sleeping better. That’s when I started, some of the physical symptoms started dissipating was just those long, long, slow walks.

And then of course, you know, EVOX is like my favorite resource of all time. So I always, I always immediately bring that in. Yeah. And because I have access to it, that’s something I was doing, you know. Once or twice a week. Yeah, every week recently, just to allow more of the expression. Yeah, of the emotions and the devastation and the fear, and then as always kind of going into, [00:36:00] now what’s the expansion?

What are the new narratives that I wanna bring in to help myself through that? So that’s, that’s a little bit of what it’s looked like thus far. I think as you know, because you help me with so much of behind the scenes, it has been particularly difficult this month specifically. Yeah. Because. I’m in my PhD program.

I have a full schedule of clients. I just had finals last week, so it has a little bit, felt like there’s much more I would want to do to tend to myself in this, and I kind of just had to go. Morning walks and evox and then maybe some like daily little attunement practices is all I have time for. Yeah, knowing that I want to go find a depth psychologist of my own to work with and guide me through some of the deeper things.

Right. Right. Because, you know, this isn’t a one time event in a sense. Like, he’s moved out into his car and now this is reality. Mm-hmm. So this is a real [00:37:00] reality you’re gonna wanna keep coming to, and, and looking at and assessing how you’re doing mm-hmm. Um, around his reality and how it impacts you. Yeah.

Yeah. And I just think what I see in doing this work on myself and with clients is sometimes there’s pieces of. How something has impacted us that just can’t surface right away. Yeah. And so I try to look at this work much less like, okay, I’m gonna spend a month working on this and I’m gonna clear and release every single way that it’s impacting me in a month.

If only we could. Right. I know. I know, right? I see it so much more as. I’m gonna tend to this, you know, as long as it needs to right now. And if I sit with this for the next month and more pieces keep surfacing, I’m gonna keep tending. But if I work on it for a month or two months, and. Things sort of naturally settle.

Great. Maybe I’ll let it sit for another year and then maybe a year from now a new piece might surface. Yeah. Not [00:38:00] because I didn’t do enough work before and shame on me, I needed to stay in it longer, but because, oh, okay, now that time has passed. Here’s a piece that’s. Ready to be looked at. Yeah. So beautiful reminder for all of us, I think to not be so hard, to your earlier point, a wound on a wound.

Let’s just be gentle when it’s ready to come up. You know, not wonder or ask or even wish, sometimes we wish, I wish I could have come to this conclusion years ago. Mm-hmm. I wish I could have uncovered this a long time ago. It would’ve changed things and maybe it would have. You know? Yeah. And that can, its own sadness, but um, I think the grace to just say when it’s right, it will be, and we can trust ourselves to let that happen and unfold as it needs to.

Yeah. And what I think is important, there is two things I’ll say. One, I is that tending. If I am tending to myself regularly in whatever that looks like right now, I feel that I’m entering. A phase of deep, deep [00:39:00] tending where I am being very intentional about checking in with this very heavy topic through evox, through meditation, through journaling, through working with other professionals to guide me in a deeper way than I might normally in my everyday life.

And I think that’s, that’s also part of what allows me to have peace, is if I’m doing that deep tending when I feel that it’s needed, I have peace with myself. Um, yeah. I know that if I look back a year from now and go, oh, I now just now had an epiphany about this. I’m not gonna have regret of like, oh, I wish I’d had this come up, then I think I’m gonna have total peace of like, well, I was doing that tending work.

And this didn’t surface, which means it probably wasn’t ready to surface. So it’s not for lack of attention or intention that this didn’t surface. And I think that’s maybe an important piece is Yeah, versus if we, you know, I think so many of us have that [00:40:00] nudge that there’s something that’s needing to be heard.

There’s something that’s to be looked at. Right. And when we don’t do that, I think that is where that regret comes in years later of like, gosh, if I had just looked at that thing, maybe it could have opened up a lot. Yeah. But for me, I find if there is some kind of regular commitment and practice, I have so much more peace that what was meant to surface or what needed or felt safe to surface did.

Yeah. But also that distinction between what we might call like. Maintenance tending versus deep healing, tending. And sometimes there’s different phases of that. And I will say, you know, in 2022 is when I did some deep, deep healing and tending around the sexual abuse and, and about a, you know, I probably was there for like a year and then I felt really at peace.

And so then I probably had, it’s 2025, I probably had three years. Of just like maintenance [00:41:00] tending that I do, you know, daily and weekly for myself. And I do, I will say, like I think this has stirred up a lot and has, is I’m kind of seeing, oh, I’m coming back into like a deep, deep healing phase where I need to be bringing in more resources than I normally would be.

More consistent than I might normally would. Yeah. To really sit with. The things that are ready to to come up because this, even aside from like this present day thing and him being homeless and processing that devastation and the fear, I do feel it’s stirring up other pieces of the abuse that I haven’t looked at yet.

That were not ready to be looked at three years ago. Right. But are ready to be looked at now, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Ugh. And that’s its own chapter, you know? Mm-hmm. Of the, the story of that healing as well. So a lot that’s come up for you. I guess a question I have is, I’m hearing you, is [00:42:00] does this not feel overwhelming?

Like do you, does any part of you not feel like I already had so much on my plate? Why is this happening right now?

I think yes, to the first part, no to the second. I think. Absolutely. I felt like I am, I feel already at capacity. Yeah. This is so much, I don’t think I felt the questioning of like, why is this happening right now? Again, I think where I come back to is, oh, okay, this, you know, there’s an inner Leigh Ann that.

Really needs to be held. Yeah. And so I’m not gonna turn to her and be like, oh my God, why are you being so dramatic right now? I’m just so busy. Yes. I don’t have time for this, Leigh Ann. Yeah. I really try to go, God, this is hard, and I’m super overwhelmed and I see my inner self is hurting deeply and I will do my absolute best to show up for you.

Yeah. But absolutely, it’s been overwhelming and there’s, there’s been some moments [00:43:00] where, you know, I. Leading up to client sessions, I am having to get my shit together so that I can go show up for other people, and then as soon as my sessions are done, I’m going home and crying on the couch for two hours.

You know? Yeah, yeah. So, yes, but what I think is so, so profound is if this had been me four years ago, five years ago. And my business was as it is, like I absolutely think it all would’ve come crumbling down. Mm-hmm. I do not think I would have been able to navigate this in a way that didn’t wreak havoc on my life.

Yeah. If, you know, for me a lot of what that looked like is that freeze, that shutdown, that checking out. I think what it practically would’ve looked like is me. Canceling all my clients, checking out for a number of weeks. And what I wanna be clear here is it’s, it’s not that that’s inherently bad.

Sometimes we do need to do that, right? Yep. Completely. Um, [00:44:00] but like I, I could have seen it really allowing everything I’ve built just to come crumbling down. Yeah. Where I might’ve done that in a really extreme way of just like. Canceling everyone for a month and checking out and going into this deep frozen, disassociated Yeah.

You know, depressed, apathetic state. That would have been so hard to pull myself out of. And so it was while as, while, as devastating as it was and overwhelming, it was so cool at the same time for me to go, holy shit, this is really hard. It’s not that it’s not hard. Because of all the healing I’ve done, I have so much more capacity to be able to hold this tension and keep all the other things moving forward.

Yeah. Yeah. It’s huge. And that’s not to say that if it had been much, much more, more worse, or I do feel like I’m in a particularly. Interesting time in my life where because of this PhD and there’s so much time I [00:45:00] have to take off already each year to accommodate our residential time. I do feel a little bit like, oh, I can’t, I can’t afford to cancel clients.

I can’t afford to have any more weeks off. Yeah. Even if I need them. And that’s a little scary, but also how cool that I’ve done so much work that when things do get really hard, I have emotional bandwidth and emotional wiggle room to navigate those things. And then also know what I need to do to bring in nourishing, uplifting, resources, mind, body, and spirit so that I can push through that hard time.

Huge. Yeah. I mean, and this step psychology program, you have these amazing resources, uh, you know, people walking alongside you. Just the support around you is pretty incredible. A hundred percent. Yeah. And a part of that healing of the last few years is being able to reach out and receive it. Oh [00:46:00] yeah. Well, that’s a whole other podcast because I, I would not have been able to do that before.

My narrative was this is mine to carry. No one else can help me. No one else is able to, I I’ll be a burden. Yeah. All of those narratives are gone. Yeah. Well, they have to be. Right, because now you know about our shared consciousness and you’re sensing it, you know, you’re sensing it in this. Particular situation, but also the, the goodness, the beauty of it and the support of those around you.

Yeah. So it’s, it’s so beautiful and I think that is, that is one of the gifts that Deep Healing work gives you is. The nuance you can hold in moments of tension and turbulence and pain, and even trauma of, for me, literally even over the month of March being like, this is devastating. Yeah, I cannot wrap my head around this.

This is an incredibly hard day. This is an incredibly hard week, but I also can see and hold that this is a really hard week in a [00:47:00] beautiful life. Yeah. You know, this is a really hard moment in a beautiful day. Yeah, and this is devastating. It might be devastating for a while, but I know I will not be here forever.

And that I think is, there’s just that like deep anchoring and tethering. And trust and safety with myself. Yeah. That allows me to get through that with that anchoring, because my inner self knows because I’ve proven to her over the last three years, I will not abandon you in this. Yes. Yeah. And that is perhaps where everyone should start.

Oh man. Wow. Um, because things like this will come up, right for everybody. It may look and sound entirely different, but these really. You know what feel like kind of earth shattering moments. Sweep through our lives at really unexpected times. None of us are immune. Totally. And the goal of this work isn’t to get you to a place where you never experience turbulent [00:48:00] emotions again.

Yeah. We’d be lying if we said that. It’s to get us to a place where we experience them much, much less. Mm-hmm. And when they do come up, we have so much more. Confident tools, autonomy, empowerment, to be able to, yeah, navigate those in a much more smoother, quicker, impactful way. They’re not capsizing the boat.

No, totally, totally. So, so that was, that was nice. I think it’s, like we said at the start, nice to give some updates of kind of what’s going on behind the scenes and that I deal with shit as much as anyone else. I guess I do the work as much as anyone else. Mm-hmm. And, and yeah. And also, you know, I, I think I say this a lot, it, I start to feel ill at ease.

If people don’t know some of my journey, yeah, it starts to feel false or I start to feel disconnected from the people in [00:49:00] my life, from my audience. Yeah, and, and so for me actually being able to share this makes me feel very connected to you, to the podcast listeners, to anyone on social media, and that’s really important to me of feeling.

That it is a reciprocal relationship, even though this is, you know, audio and I don’t get to see or hear or meet everyone who’s listening. There is something very energetic and powerful about that for me, that makes me feel super connected, so, yeah. Well, it’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing and we will definitely wanna circle back on this one, I think.

Yeah. Oh yeah. I think there’ll be some more pieces that surface for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks everyone for listening. Thank you, Kelly, for facilitating that. It’s so much easier when I can kind of talk it through with someone versus staring at myself on the [00:50:00] screen.